A-Z of Condom Terms to Get You Kicked out of Bed

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8 Jun 2015

A-Z of Condom Terms to Get You Kicked out of Bed

You’re in bed for the first time with a new partner and things are getting a little heated. Like the conscientious adult you are, you reach for a condom but want to verbalise this intention. However, every name for the condom which races through your head seems incredibly unsexy and a definite mood-killer.

Whilst, we’re not privy to the terms which will turn your partner on, we can guarantee the following terms will definitely kill the mood and lead to a little bathroom self-relief.


Armour

Likening your partner’s body to a warzone which requires protective clothing is not a particularly sexy sentiment.

Baby Stopper

Nothing ruins the mood like the thought of a condom full of poor babies stopped in their tracks as they try to complete their glorious missions.

Cocksnood

Whether worn on the head, over the shoulders or on the penis – a snood is hardly the sexiest item of clothing and has only limited reason to be in the bedroom.

Dobber

Not to be confused with daubers – a favourite of bingo-going nans. Not to be confused, because it a phrase never to be said when your penis is out.

English Cap

Apparently a French term for condoms – this term is only acceptable if you’re sleeping with someone from France and they’ll find your self-deprecation sweet, funny and a little sexy.


Sleeping FerretFerret Sock

A well-versed sexy talker will seldom mention ferrets or any weasely animal. And effectively comparing your penis to a ferret’s foot isn’t going to impress anyone.



Gove Hat

One of the more bemusing slang terms for condoms we’ve ever encountered.

Ham Sock

A bit too close to ham hock and not close enough to ‘insert sexy term for condom’.

In-Out, In-Out Helper

Unless you’re sleeping with the one person who laughs at your dad’s jokes or a member of The Two Ronnies writing staff – they’re not going to be impressed with the suggest of a little ‘In-Out, In-Out’ in lieu of sex.

Jimi Hatz

You can just about get away with ‘Jimmy’ or even ‘Jimmy Hat’ at a push – but Jimi Hatz is just a bit too close to a 14 year old’s Hotmail address.

Kleenex Kompatriot

One K away from a potentially offensive acronym and a truly horrible propriety eponym; Kleenex Kompatriot doesn’t really even make that much sense. We’re glad it’s very seldom used.

Love Sock

Stop it with the sock references guys.


Military GeneralMoodkiller General

Nothing kills the mood like calling it a Moodkiller and then offering an army rank.



Nodding Sock

Seriously are we continuing the sock thing?

Overcoat

Some people already harbour the misconception that condoms are obtrusive – how is it going to help naming them after the largest item of clothing you could possibly own?

Prophylactic

Alan Partridge.

Queen’s Nose

Too many things wrong with this one. Plus it leads to all kind of uncomfortable double-entendres, imploring you partner rub the Queen’s Nose and their wishes will come true.

Rubber Straightjacket

The pathos attached to poor penis, as he is tied down and his appendages prohibited, is enough to kill the mood completely – reducing anyone with the slightest empathy to tears as the rubber straightjacket is attached.

Spooj Stopper

Spooj Stopper is a truly horrifying moniker. Enough said.


Hand holding a compassTour Guide

If there is any way to make sure your partner feels as though their orifices are cavernous and dangerous is to suggest your penis requires a tour guide. No matter how true it is, it’s not conducive to good sexy times.



Uncle Jim

If anyone isn’t invited to sex, it should be Uncle Jim.

Venus Shirt

A popular term in Portugal apparently, if anyone proposed putting on their Venus Shirt I’d assume they’d gotten a few freebies from Gillette’s lady range.

Water Bombs

This suggests a second act to the sex which may not be particularly well-received.

X

We’re struggling with X, any suggestions?

Yes on Proposition Penetration

This one is terrifying, and more than a little aggressive.

Z

Again a little help is needed.

So whether you need to stock up on your Spooj Stoppers and Ferret Socks, or just want to help us out with our missing X and Z entries, take a look at the Freedoms Shop homepage or give us a call on 020 76855977 now.

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